In a prior blog post, I announced the forthcoming release of my new book, co-authored with my wife Melissa, entitled: The Good News Family Devotional: 52 Weeks in the Gospel of Mark.
This book is designed to fill a gap in family devotionals because it is written by both a mom and a dad, and also designed to reach both the parent and the child. It releases on May 5th so keep an eye out!
In light of this forthcoming book, I am doing a short 3-part blog series in the month of April designed to highlight a number of key lessons on parenting we have learned over the years. All of these lessons are designed to combat one of those common issues for parents: anxiety over how their children will turn out.
I released lesson #1 last week, and so now we turn to lesson #2.
Start With Yourself
The instinct of anxious parents is to be perpetually obsessed with their child’s behavior. When they are small, it’s about manners at the table, playing nicely with others, and going to bed on time. When they are older, it’s about whether they are doing their homework, cleaning their room, or excelling in sports.
To be fair, addressing the behavior of our children is an important part of parenting. Of course, we care about how our children act. We are trying to raise them to be responsible, productive, and godly individuals.
But—and this is the key—parenting doesn’t begin with focusing on our children’s behavior. Rather, and perhaps somewhat surprisingly, parenting begins with our own.
Put simply, the most effective parents are ones who are committed to making sure their own spiritual life is healthy, trusting that their children will follow in their footsteps. Notice the order of the classic parenting passage in Deut 6:6-7:
And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
We often move quickly to the second half of this passage which says “you shall teach them diligently to your children,” and tend to overlook the first half of the passage which says, “These words that I command you today shall be on your heart.” As a result, we miss the fact that godly parenting begins with the basic commitment to follow God ourselves.
But why? Why does the order matter?
Filling Up the Tank
We begin with an observation that transcends parenting. In order to pour ourselves into anyone else spiritually, not just children, we have to have something to give them. We first have to have something inside of us that can flow out.
For those new to ministry, this is often a hard-learned lesson. They are often very zealous and energetic, quick to give all their time and energy to those they are serving. And that is a wonderful thing.
But they quickly realize they need to make sure they are caring for their own spiritual health in the process. Otherwise, exhaustion, burnout, and ineffectiveness will be the inevitable result.
It’s similar to the way the oxygen mask works on an airplane. During the safety demonstration, flight attendants will always say put the mask on yourself first before helping others. Why? Because if you are not breathing oxygen you’re no good to anyone else.
Same with parenting. If you are not breathing in God’s word yourself, you are not going to be effective in teaching it to your children.
Controlling the Controllable
Here’s another reason why I believe God put the order of Deuteronomy the way he did. If we focus on our behavior first, then move to our children, we are following a commonsense principle: control the things you can control before you try to control the things you can’t.
Now, this is not to suggest that parents should not try to guide their child’s behavior. Nor is to suggest that it’s impossible to guide their child’s behavior. Part of our job is to do precisely that.
My point here is that we are not the final determiner of our child’s behavior, and, even more than this, our efforts can face frustrations and limitations. A good bit of parenting is coming to grips with the rather scary fact that we are not fully in control.
But, again, that’s why God wants us to start with our own spiritual health. We have more control over our behavior than that of our child. And when we start with God, he gives us the patience, endurance, and trust we need to be a faithful parent over the long haul.
The Power of Our Example
The final reason why the order of Deuteronomy matters is that our effectiveness as parents is directly connected to whether our instruction and guidance is genuine and authentic. We have to actually believe it and live it before we can pass it along to our children.
Put bluntly, children are remarkably good at spotting a fraud. If parents are just faking it, or don’t really believe what they are saying, or are not living it out themselves, children will quickly notice.
Nothing saps the life from Christian parenting more quickly than a child’s realization that the parents themselves are not really that into the “Christian” part of things.
This means that children are better at following our examples than they are following our words. And thus parents need to make sure they are regularly going to God for the grace and strength to live the kind of life that forms a healthy example.
In sum, take a fresh minute to read over Deuteronomy 6:6-7 again. And remember that healthy Christian parenting begins by first being a healthy Christian ourselves.